Bossy Pant-ies?

Someone just told me, “you can’t keep thinking you can boss every guy around and he’ll do anything for you.” I hate to disagree, but I can. As long men succumb to my will they enable me to maintain this mindset.  He caught a bit of a 'tude when I said to bring me food. BUT the point is he still did it. Within 15 minutes I was enjoying fresh sushi from the comfort of my couch. He even got me wine and watched trash tv with me. Way to stay strong, dude. Tell me how it is.

But seriously. As long as they are willing to oblige, I’m going to continue with this tyrannical raid. We all know that spineless, gutless girl who will do anything for any guy. Yeah, we tell her over and over to stop being so yielding and time and time again there she is folding some guys laundry and playing maid to his deplorable bedroom. Flip it. How about one actually cleaned my room dusted, and vacuumed it.

#winning. 

I won’t forget the midnight seranader, he was adorable in all his desperation. Down on bended knee he actually sang to me from the street while I laughed from inside my second-floor bedroom. A for effort! The vocals could use some work though. Second place goes to home-made cheesecake and chocolate covered strawberries attempt at gaining my reciprocated affection. It didn’t work and neither did that expensive necklace.  Third place: the man willing to leave his fiancée. I could go on…

The point here is that men treat you the way you demand to be treated. Act like a boss you’ll be treated like one. Make a man work and he’ll take you seriously. Do you really think I’m going to come over at 2am in the freezing cold? Get over yourself. My dog keeps me warmer and probably has better morning breath.

Here We Go Again

Am I a target for emotional men? Or do I drive the men to become emotional? I once again found myself in a heated and intoxicated conversation, out at a bar on a Friday night, with a guy who does not understand why I don’t make more time for him. Why I care so much about my career. Why I am not emotionally affected by how our “relationship” is going. He even went so far as to recount instances where I was careless with him and how I blew him off.

Sort of what we looked like but picture better hair (via)

Excuse me? 

I just want to go out and have a good time. Is this really necessary? 

The conversation left me reeling the next day. This was completely unexpected. From my understanding, everything had been going swimmingly. This particular guy knows what he’s doing with the ladies and he usually displays that calm confidence that feels unquestionable. He is devoted to his job and is surrounded by a strong group of friends. He made all the right moves and I was intrigued by him. We had a good rapport and hilarious conversations. I also had him as a sleep over buddy on lock whenever I felt so inclined. I addition to all this, we both got to do whatever we wanted. I heard through various channels that there might be another girl and I was occupying myself with other prospects. We didn’t talk about our feelings or troubles and, frankly, didn’t talk often at all.  It was light, fun, and carefree. And then BAM!!  This little display at the bar. Not only did he suck up a large chunk of my night, but I ceased to look available to the other men occupying the bar. I can’t be having that. What drove him to be so emotional when I thought we were so clearly not on the relationship track?

The problem is that men always assume a woman will be emotionally invested in them. That she’ll fall over herself to spend time with him and be with him. That he’s the only one she’s putting in work for. They can’t stand when they’re wrong and make desperate moves to change the game in their favor. Desperation makes me feel physically uncomfortable; I don’t even like seeing it when I’m not involved…

So, sir, while your dramatic conversation had me thinking the next day, it did not have me thinking about spending more time with you. I can no longer take you seriously. If a woman did this she would be considered clingy, crazy, and would be cut from the equation. Consider yourself lucky if I don’t do the same to you. You want more of my time? Earn it. Just because I think you’re attractive and I like that cocky attitude does not mean that I’m clearing my schedule for you. Come up with some better date ideas and stop being so lazy.Oh, and save your feelings for private time. Or better yet, don’t share them at all.

Ladies, take note; it is just as annoying when you act like this as it is when the men act like this.

Don't embarrass yourself, k?

Before You Say "Yes" to that Drink...

Okay ladies, we all know how easy it is for us to go out on any given night without spending a dime on drinks but let’s take a minute to think about this...

Envision the old familiar scene—it’s Friday night, you’re dressed in that new blouse and a gentleman has been eyeing you since you walked in. You catch his stare a few times, flip your hair, and look away. He takes the bait and like a shark to chum he moves in. You ignore him for a minute while he stands there smiling like a dufus (it’s ok he’s already hooked). Then he asks you your name, tells you his (as if you care) and offers to buy you a drink. 

“So, what are you drinking tonight?” 

Um, nothing yet…clearly (is he blind)?

“What can I get you?”   

Your first thought: GIVE ME SOME ALCOHOL BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT!

[Alas, ladies, we must restrain ourselves. In the nanosecond that it takes you to respond with “yes” or “no” realize that, like the age-old adage states, nothing in life is free. Including your drink! Weigh the risks with the single benefit of saving a few bucks: you get suckered into a conversation you could care less about, he may try to dance with you (this could be bad), and your friends cast glares your way because they want to leave and are now stuck themselves talking to his friends.]

Then comes the task of exiting the situation gracefully without seeming like a total b*tch and without giving him your number. Seems like a lot of work, right? We don’t slave away at the office all week to put in work at the bar. Buy a round for your girls and move on.  It takes a lot to decline a drink from a sexy man but, with practice, it’ll pay off in the long run. We all have our moments of weakness but the next time a man offers to buy you a drink, smile, respectfully decline, and get the hell out. A tip from the Clams: pound a few before you go out and sneak some in. No, cargo shorts are not needed in this case; rather ditch the wristlet for a medium-sized clutch.

 This advice is also good for the men out there. After consulting with my male friends, they admit that they have seen the error of their ways and no longer buy girls drinks. My suggestion: late night Pizza Bolis goes a lot further…

Meet Mr. Pilsner

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My cousin told me about Mr. Pilsner, National Premium, and the current attempt to revive them both. I wanted to spread the word. The short story is that National Brewing Company used to brew National Bohemian and National Premium. National Premium, the brother beer to Boh, was a pilsner and was fairly expensive. It is said to have been enjoyed by numerous historic Baltimore figures. At some point along the path National Premium ceased to be brewed and the original recipe was lost. As fortune would have it, a man by the name of Tim Miller is trying to re-discover the original recipe and begin brewing this piece of Baltimore History.

I won't go any deeper into the story than that, since I would just be repeating the words of someone else, but I will provide some links for you to enjoy.

National Premium Official Website: http://nationalpremiumbeer.com/
Old City Paper Article: Best Defunct Local Beer
Old but comprehensive City Paper article: A Beer to Call Your Own
NBD Article: National Premium Beer Might Return To Baltimore

Why Buy the Cow When You Get the Milk for Free?

Some men come and go 

but for the precious few a clam should hold on.

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Most men in our lives float in and out for various reasons but then there are the men who have been around for some time. These are the male friends who have outlasted boyfriends, drunken confessions and their subsequent rejections, and those occasional lapses in our judgment. The amount of devotion shown by the boy-friends varies and a skilled woman has more than one. They could be the men who take us to dinner at a classy restaurant and then get to listen to us talk about the new guy we're dating (the boy-friend never thinks this new man is good enough). Maybe he is the one we go out to the bars with and has to see us dancing with other men while we drink the beer they bought for us. Or, they could simply be that guy who waits patiently for us to become single and points out the real boyfriend's faults along the way.

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Regardless of how he chooses to play his role as the boy-friend, a woman always knows what his true intentions are. She’ll deny it to her boyfriend and friends, insisting that they’ve been friends for such a long time and they're just very close. In a platonic way, of course!

A woman probably will not ever want to date the boy-friend because if she wanted to date such a spineless and emotional man she would have made a move already. She does, however, want to keep him around because he is such a great asset. The boy-friend provides an invaluable insight into the male psyche. He's a (more) honest bouncing board for ideas and is great for those late night conversations. He fills the boyfriend void should a woman need one, and that's why he's the boy-friend.

I want to point out that a women in these instances rarely makes promises to the boy-friend. He knows where he stands and he knows that another man can quickly and easily waltz in and take her away. So, before you condemn her (i.e. me) as a heartless animal keep in mind that he has his own inability to be assertive and make decisions. Blame him, not her.

So ladies, if you don't have a boy-friend I ask... what are you doing? Get out there and snag yourself a man. Men, if you are a boy-friend... I'm going to say keep doing what you're doing. We appreciate it :)

Love is the Air….With a Hint of Puke

What do I hate about summer more than humidity?

It’s wedding season!

 Vom. 

I’ve witnessed many friends’ marriages and subsequent nightmares unfold and cannot imagine myself getting married. Poor man. He’d have to pick me up from Stalking Horse every Saturday night. Can you still dance on bars when you're married? I’m just not ready to take that leap and living in this city is only aiding and abetting my bad habits.

Hilarity ensued during the past 5 or so weddings when all the single ladies begrudgingly dragged themselves to the dance floor at the DJs behest. When it comes time for the bouquet toss remember how all the girls would rush to the dance floor and dive, tackle, and claw their way to the flying floral omen of doom? 

At one particular wedding my brothers grabbed me by both arms, allowed to me chug the last of my wine and forced me into the huddle. The bouquet was released and….NOTHING. No one moved (except to get out of the way of the flowers), everyone just stared at each other and then stared at the floor as it lay there. Nothing. No one wanted to touch it.

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So men, when you think you’re the only ones running to the bar and away from the altar, know that you can meet the Ladies of The Clam Jam there. We’ll probably beat you. Heck, we might even have a shot ready for you.

One day we’ll get married, but that day is not now. We’re still young and Mr./Dr./Lawyer Right has yet to present himself. We’re not those bitter non-brides…we’re actually quite content and happy for those who have gone before us.

Cheers. We'll drink to that, and maybe we'll learn from their mistakes.

A Funny Clam:

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To Text or Not to Text...

Some phone etiquette tips for the ladies and gentlemen out there:

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Time: 10:02pm on Wednesday Hey what are you up to?

I don't know about you all but we are all classy broads, here at The Clam Jam and think men should have to work for our attention.

We’ve come to the consensus that texting after 10

on weeknights is just unacceptable. 

A nice fellow, texted me at 10:02 on a Wednesday and did not receive a response. He was cute, articulate, and smart (though I’d have to say I’m the funnier one) and did not understand why I didn’t text him back. Sir! Realize how presumptuous that is. I am a professional with a tight schedule. I don’t know what other girls are doing at 10:02 but I know what I was doing—probably nothing but even in my boredom I was not going to succumb to the urge to text back. After all, I have to wait at least 35 minutes to respond and by the time you responded to my response I probably would’ve been in bed. Dreaming about not texting you back.

Time: 1:35am on Saturday   Hey rr u otu in fells?

I think most ladies have seen these…. the poorly constructed late night text message asking if you’re out at the bars.

Where do you think I am? Of course I’m out! 

But that’s not really what you’re asking, is it? I have a few qualms with this thinly veiled attempt.

Firstly, if you only think of me when you’re drunk and stumbling home then I have something better to do with my time. I’ve seen too many of my friends take these texts to mean way more than they’re worth.

LADIES: He’s not texting because he truly cares about you and his guard is finally down due to all those rail drinks he's ingested.  Don't hold you breath for a late night confessional. More likely, the girl he was working on at the bar excused herself when those lights came on. Or she went home with his friend. Either way, he knows old faithful will come over with just a few text messages. Proceed with caution.

Secondly, the fact that you think I would be flattered by your offer shows you hold yourself to a much higher esteem than I do. The only thing worse and more ego-driven than these text messages is the repeat offender who can’t seem to take a hint.

If I don’t answer you numerous times you’re probably better off deleting my number. 

In fact, the only reason I didn’t delete yours is so I know who you are when you start pestering me. You’re probably in my phone as “Ignore Me” or “Loser from Max’s.”

Moral of the story:

Ladies, far be it from us to get in the way of someone’s fun - we sure have our fair share. We won’t act like we don’t send or respond to a selection of these texts. If you know what he’s after and you’re after the same thing, go at it! 

Just make sure you’re not crossing your fingers 

that he cares about you while you’re uncrossing your legs.

And fellas, be careful about those late night text messages. You think you’re setting up a good time when you might actually be relegating yourself to Joke Status.