Love is the Air….With a Hint of Puke

What do I hate about summer more than humidity?

It’s wedding season!

 Vom. 

I’ve witnessed many friends’ marriages and subsequent nightmares unfold and cannot imagine myself getting married. Poor man. He’d have to pick me up from Stalking Horse every Saturday night. Can you still dance on bars when you're married? I’m just not ready to take that leap and living in this city is only aiding and abetting my bad habits.

Hilarity ensued during the past 5 or so weddings when all the single ladies begrudgingly dragged themselves to the dance floor at the DJs behest. When it comes time for the bouquet toss remember how all the girls would rush to the dance floor and dive, tackle, and claw their way to the flying floral omen of doom? 

At one particular wedding my brothers grabbed me by both arms, allowed to me chug the last of my wine and forced me into the huddle. The bouquet was released and….NOTHING. No one moved (except to get out of the way of the flowers), everyone just stared at each other and then stared at the floor as it lay there. Nothing. No one wanted to touch it.

(via)

So men, when you think you’re the only ones running to the bar and away from the altar, know that you can meet the Ladies of The Clam Jam there. We’ll probably beat you. Heck, we might even have a shot ready for you.

One day we’ll get married, but that day is not now. We’re still young and Mr./Dr./Lawyer Right has yet to present himself. We’re not those bitter non-brides…we’re actually quite content and happy for those who have gone before us.

Cheers. We'll drink to that, and maybe we'll learn from their mistakes.

A Funny Clam:

via

To Text or Not to Text...

Some phone etiquette tips for the ladies and gentlemen out there:

(via)

Time: 10:02pm on Wednesday Hey what are you up to?

I don't know about you all but we are all classy broads, here at The Clam Jam and think men should have to work for our attention.

We’ve come to the consensus that texting after 10

on weeknights is just unacceptable. 

A nice fellow, texted me at 10:02 on a Wednesday and did not receive a response. He was cute, articulate, and smart (though I’d have to say I’m the funnier one) and did not understand why I didn’t text him back. Sir! Realize how presumptuous that is. I am a professional with a tight schedule. I don’t know what other girls are doing at 10:02 but I know what I was doing—probably nothing but even in my boredom I was not going to succumb to the urge to text back. After all, I have to wait at least 35 minutes to respond and by the time you responded to my response I probably would’ve been in bed. Dreaming about not texting you back.

Time: 1:35am on Saturday   Hey rr u otu in fells?

I think most ladies have seen these…. the poorly constructed late night text message asking if you’re out at the bars.

Where do you think I am? Of course I’m out! 

But that’s not really what you’re asking, is it? I have a few qualms with this thinly veiled attempt.

Firstly, if you only think of me when you’re drunk and stumbling home then I have something better to do with my time. I’ve seen too many of my friends take these texts to mean way more than they’re worth.

LADIES: He’s not texting because he truly cares about you and his guard is finally down due to all those rail drinks he's ingested.  Don't hold you breath for a late night confessional. More likely, the girl he was working on at the bar excused herself when those lights came on. Or she went home with his friend. Either way, he knows old faithful will come over with just a few text messages. Proceed with caution.

Secondly, the fact that you think I would be flattered by your offer shows you hold yourself to a much higher esteem than I do. The only thing worse and more ego-driven than these text messages is the repeat offender who can’t seem to take a hint.

If I don’t answer you numerous times you’re probably better off deleting my number. 

In fact, the only reason I didn’t delete yours is so I know who you are when you start pestering me. You’re probably in my phone as “Ignore Me” or “Loser from Max’s.”

Moral of the story:

Ladies, far be it from us to get in the way of someone’s fun - we sure have our fair share. We won’t act like we don’t send or respond to a selection of these texts. If you know what he’s after and you’re after the same thing, go at it! 

Just make sure you’re not crossing your fingers 

that he cares about you while you’re uncrossing your legs.

And fellas, be careful about those late night text messages. You think you’re setting up a good time when you might actually be relegating yourself to Joke Status.