Here We Go Again

Am I a target for emotional men? Or do I drive the men to become emotional? I once again found myself in a heated and intoxicated conversation, out at a bar on a Friday night, with a guy who does not understand why I don’t make more time for him. Why I care so much about my career. Why I am not emotionally affected by how our “relationship” is going. He even went so far as to recount instances where I was careless with him and how I blew him off.

Sort of what we looked like but picture better hair (via)

Excuse me? 

I just want to go out and have a good time. Is this really necessary? 

The conversation left me reeling the next day. This was completely unexpected. From my understanding, everything had been going swimmingly. This particular guy knows what he’s doing with the ladies and he usually displays that calm confidence that feels unquestionable. He is devoted to his job and is surrounded by a strong group of friends. He made all the right moves and I was intrigued by him. We had a good rapport and hilarious conversations. I also had him as a sleep over buddy on lock whenever I felt so inclined. I addition to all this, we both got to do whatever we wanted. I heard through various channels that there might be another girl and I was occupying myself with other prospects. We didn’t talk about our feelings or troubles and, frankly, didn’t talk often at all.  It was light, fun, and carefree. And then BAM!!  This little display at the bar. Not only did he suck up a large chunk of my night, but I ceased to look available to the other men occupying the bar. I can’t be having that. What drove him to be so emotional when I thought we were so clearly not on the relationship track?

The problem is that men always assume a woman will be emotionally invested in them. That she’ll fall over herself to spend time with him and be with him. That he’s the only one she’s putting in work for. They can’t stand when they’re wrong and make desperate moves to change the game in their favor. Desperation makes me feel physically uncomfortable; I don’t even like seeing it when I’m not involved…

So, sir, while your dramatic conversation had me thinking the next day, it did not have me thinking about spending more time with you. I can no longer take you seriously. If a woman did this she would be considered clingy, crazy, and would be cut from the equation. Consider yourself lucky if I don’t do the same to you. You want more of my time? Earn it. Just because I think you’re attractive and I like that cocky attitude does not mean that I’m clearing my schedule for you. Come up with some better date ideas and stop being so lazy.Oh, and save your feelings for private time. Or better yet, don’t share them at all.

Ladies, take note; it is just as annoying when you act like this as it is when the men act like this.

Don't embarrass yourself, k?

Before You Say "Yes" to that Drink...

Okay ladies, we all know how easy it is for us to go out on any given night without spending a dime on drinks but let’s take a minute to think about this...

Envision the old familiar scene—it’s Friday night, you’re dressed in that new blouse and a gentleman has been eyeing you since you walked in. You catch his stare a few times, flip your hair, and look away. He takes the bait and like a shark to chum he moves in. You ignore him for a minute while he stands there smiling like a dufus (it’s ok he’s already hooked). Then he asks you your name, tells you his (as if you care) and offers to buy you a drink. 

“So, what are you drinking tonight?” 

Um, nothing yet…clearly (is he blind)?

“What can I get you?”   

Your first thought: GIVE ME SOME ALCOHOL BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT!

[Alas, ladies, we must restrain ourselves. In the nanosecond that it takes you to respond with “yes” or “no” realize that, like the age-old adage states, nothing in life is free. Including your drink! Weigh the risks with the single benefit of saving a few bucks: you get suckered into a conversation you could care less about, he may try to dance with you (this could be bad), and your friends cast glares your way because they want to leave and are now stuck themselves talking to his friends.]

Then comes the task of exiting the situation gracefully without seeming like a total b*tch and without giving him your number. Seems like a lot of work, right? We don’t slave away at the office all week to put in work at the bar. Buy a round for your girls and move on.  It takes a lot to decline a drink from a sexy man but, with practice, it’ll pay off in the long run. We all have our moments of weakness but the next time a man offers to buy you a drink, smile, respectfully decline, and get the hell out. A tip from the Clams: pound a few before you go out and sneak some in. No, cargo shorts are not needed in this case; rather ditch the wristlet for a medium-sized clutch.

 This advice is also good for the men out there. After consulting with my male friends, they admit that they have seen the error of their ways and no longer buy girls drinks. My suggestion: late night Pizza Bolis goes a lot further…

Meet Mr. Pilsner

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My cousin told me about Mr. Pilsner, National Premium, and the current attempt to revive them both. I wanted to spread the word. The short story is that National Brewing Company used to brew National Bohemian and National Premium. National Premium, the brother beer to Boh, was a pilsner and was fairly expensive. It is said to have been enjoyed by numerous historic Baltimore figures. At some point along the path National Premium ceased to be brewed and the original recipe was lost. As fortune would have it, a man by the name of Tim Miller is trying to re-discover the original recipe and begin brewing this piece of Baltimore History.

I won't go any deeper into the story than that, since I would just be repeating the words of someone else, but I will provide some links for you to enjoy.

National Premium Official Website: http://nationalpremiumbeer.com/
Old City Paper Article: Best Defunct Local Beer
Old but comprehensive City Paper article: A Beer to Call Your Own
NBD Article: National Premium Beer Might Return To Baltimore

Why Buy the Cow When You Get the Milk for Free?

Some men come and go 

but for the precious few a clam should hold on.

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Most men in our lives float in and out for various reasons but then there are the men who have been around for some time. These are the male friends who have outlasted boyfriends, drunken confessions and their subsequent rejections, and those occasional lapses in our judgment. The amount of devotion shown by the boy-friends varies and a skilled woman has more than one. They could be the men who take us to dinner at a classy restaurant and then get to listen to us talk about the new guy we're dating (the boy-friend never thinks this new man is good enough). Maybe he is the one we go out to the bars with and has to see us dancing with other men while we drink the beer they bought for us. Or, they could simply be that guy who waits patiently for us to become single and points out the real boyfriend's faults along the way.

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Regardless of how he chooses to play his role as the boy-friend, a woman always knows what his true intentions are. She’ll deny it to her boyfriend and friends, insisting that they’ve been friends for such a long time and they're just very close. In a platonic way, of course!

A woman probably will not ever want to date the boy-friend because if she wanted to date such a spineless and emotional man she would have made a move already. She does, however, want to keep him around because he is such a great asset. The boy-friend provides an invaluable insight into the male psyche. He's a (more) honest bouncing board for ideas and is great for those late night conversations. He fills the boyfriend void should a woman need one, and that's why he's the boy-friend.

I want to point out that a women in these instances rarely makes promises to the boy-friend. He knows where he stands and he knows that another man can quickly and easily waltz in and take her away. So, before you condemn her (i.e. me) as a heartless animal keep in mind that he has his own inability to be assertive and make decisions. Blame him, not her.

So ladies, if you don't have a boy-friend I ask... what are you doing? Get out there and snag yourself a man. Men, if you are a boy-friend... I'm going to say keep doing what you're doing. We appreciate it :)

Love is the Air….With a Hint of Puke

What do I hate about summer more than humidity?

It’s wedding season!

 Vom. 

I’ve witnessed many friends’ marriages and subsequent nightmares unfold and cannot imagine myself getting married. Poor man. He’d have to pick me up from Stalking Horse every Saturday night. Can you still dance on bars when you're married? I’m just not ready to take that leap and living in this city is only aiding and abetting my bad habits.

Hilarity ensued during the past 5 or so weddings when all the single ladies begrudgingly dragged themselves to the dance floor at the DJs behest. When it comes time for the bouquet toss remember how all the girls would rush to the dance floor and dive, tackle, and claw their way to the flying floral omen of doom? 

At one particular wedding my brothers grabbed me by both arms, allowed to me chug the last of my wine and forced me into the huddle. The bouquet was released and….NOTHING. No one moved (except to get out of the way of the flowers), everyone just stared at each other and then stared at the floor as it lay there. Nothing. No one wanted to touch it.

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So men, when you think you’re the only ones running to the bar and away from the altar, know that you can meet the Ladies of The Clam Jam there. We’ll probably beat you. Heck, we might even have a shot ready for you.

One day we’ll get married, but that day is not now. We’re still young and Mr./Dr./Lawyer Right has yet to present himself. We’re not those bitter non-brides…we’re actually quite content and happy for those who have gone before us.

Cheers. We'll drink to that, and maybe we'll learn from their mistakes.

A Funny Clam:

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To Text or Not to Text...

Some phone etiquette tips for the ladies and gentlemen out there:

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Time: 10:02pm on Wednesday Hey what are you up to?

I don't know about you all but we are all classy broads, here at The Clam Jam and think men should have to work for our attention.

We’ve come to the consensus that texting after 10

on weeknights is just unacceptable. 

A nice fellow, texted me at 10:02 on a Wednesday and did not receive a response. He was cute, articulate, and smart (though I’d have to say I’m the funnier one) and did not understand why I didn’t text him back. Sir! Realize how presumptuous that is. I am a professional with a tight schedule. I don’t know what other girls are doing at 10:02 but I know what I was doing—probably nothing but even in my boredom I was not going to succumb to the urge to text back. After all, I have to wait at least 35 minutes to respond and by the time you responded to my response I probably would’ve been in bed. Dreaming about not texting you back.

Time: 1:35am on Saturday   Hey rr u otu in fells?

I think most ladies have seen these…. the poorly constructed late night text message asking if you’re out at the bars.

Where do you think I am? Of course I’m out! 

But that’s not really what you’re asking, is it? I have a few qualms with this thinly veiled attempt.

Firstly, if you only think of me when you’re drunk and stumbling home then I have something better to do with my time. I’ve seen too many of my friends take these texts to mean way more than they’re worth.

LADIES: He’s not texting because he truly cares about you and his guard is finally down due to all those rail drinks he's ingested.  Don't hold you breath for a late night confessional. More likely, the girl he was working on at the bar excused herself when those lights came on. Or she went home with his friend. Either way, he knows old faithful will come over with just a few text messages. Proceed with caution.

Secondly, the fact that you think I would be flattered by your offer shows you hold yourself to a much higher esteem than I do. The only thing worse and more ego-driven than these text messages is the repeat offender who can’t seem to take a hint.

If I don’t answer you numerous times you’re probably better off deleting my number. 

In fact, the only reason I didn’t delete yours is so I know who you are when you start pestering me. You’re probably in my phone as “Ignore Me” or “Loser from Max’s.”

Moral of the story:

Ladies, far be it from us to get in the way of someone’s fun - we sure have our fair share. We won’t act like we don’t send or respond to a selection of these texts. If you know what he’s after and you’re after the same thing, go at it! 

Just make sure you’re not crossing your fingers 

that he cares about you while you’re uncrossing your legs.

And fellas, be careful about those late night text messages. You think you’re setting up a good time when you might actually be relegating yourself to Joke Status.

The Boss Factor

No, not this Boss..

 (No, we’re not lusting after our bosses…)


The Ladies of the Clam Jam are not immune to men. Far from it, actually. However, there is usually a clearly discernible reason for one of us to be so pressed. He’ll be classically and intensely attractive or have an amazing personality. Maybe he has a hobby we admire and always wanted to try.

But sometimes there’s something else. An X-factor. We like to call it The Boss Factor. 

A man with The Boss Factor can be a goober or a little off color. Dress poorly. Make bad jokes. And still he’s almost irresistible. His weird jokes are inexplicably funny and you can even get over his outlandish laugh (most of the time). You’d probably let him come home with you too because no matter what he does he is incredibly attractive.

The Ladies of the Clam Jam have known a man or two throughout their lives that fits this description and we’re guessing all other women have as well.

But, a year ago, we met a man who stumped us all. 

His Boss Factor-ness is so extreme it overcame all of us. We tend to have varied tastes and yet this clown had us all hooked. We’ve seen his hold over other women too. But why?  It's the way a man carries himself that counts. There's no other way to describe it. He knows the effect he has on women and feels the need to talk about it. Even worse, it's still somehow charming. In reality, we know he isn’t.that.attractive. and yet....

So, what is a Clam to do? Ladies should always be weary of the man with The Boss Factor but, like moths to a flame, sometimes we can't help ourselves. There is a slight rivalry present whenever we see This Boss but these Clams don’t share so there isn’t much we CAN do...

Except try to beat one another to the finish line! We've all agreed that whoever should gain points first with This Boss officially loses The Game for the month (to console the real losers).

A Funny Clam:

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Welcome to The Clam Jam!

Be it known, we are females, the Ladies of The Clam Jam to be exact.

We are females tired of patting our friends’ backs and stroking their hair as they cry about another One Night Stand (ONS) that didn’t call them back. 

Get over it.

Did you really expect him to take you home to meet his parents after passing out half-naked on his bed and reeking of alcohol?

Didn’t think so.

Pick your head up ladies, put your clothes back on and realize you’re just not that special….to him at least.

Let me guess, he shooed you away in the morning and when you asked what he was doing that day he told you he was taking his dog to get shampooed?

Does he even have a dog?

When you run up to him in the bar and he acts like he doesn’t know you while schmoozing up another potential ONS do you cry the rest of the night and ruin your make-up?

Possibly drool a little while snot seeps out of your nostrils?

Come on…
What makes you think I want to be in the bathroom wiping your nose while that new Kesha song is bumping?

Now, this isn’t some man-bashing blog. We love men—maybe a little too much.

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We love to look at them, peep out the window when we hear some bros rolling past on their way to the bars, gym, walking their dogs, or going to work in the morning. They’re precious gifts which, as of late, we realize must be handled with care or their fragile wittle feewings will get hurt.

Through our experience with men we have found that they are clingers, moochers, and crazies, just like they claim girls to be. Understand that we ladies of The Clam Jam have all been in long drawn out relationships. We’ve had our share of serial monogamy but why waste more precious time being lame? Especially while living in Baltimore, where the Boh (and men) are free flowing?

Again, we must emphasize that we love men and the beauty that they impart on the world. Our love is so strong in fact it spawned our favorite past time, playing The Game.

One night a Yet-to-be-Named Clam came home and received high-fives all around after telling her fellow clams how she totally dodged another sucker from the bar. It was then that we clams realized that we should get some sort of credit for our skill—for not falling for old pick-up lines and the usual showboating that the men like to do. That night we clams decided to create a way to monitor and use our own lady clam skills in our favor (against the men).

The Game, as we call it, was born.

To be brief, The Game has an established points system for DFMOs (Dance-Floor Make-Outs—Thanks Bohs & Os), phone numbers, and going on dates (to name a few), as well as the new favorite point possibility—points for a man embarrassing himself for you.

To learn a more detailed description about The Game, and to learn how we clams rack up the points click here.

The Game and the scoring can get really funny. What some most guys would do if they had the slightest inkling they might get lucky.

A word to the wise, from the wisdom of clams: 

Guys: Stop doing this to yourself.

The outcome is not pretty for you. 

With that being said, we clams welcome you to dip your toes into our little world. We hope you will join us throughout our travels while we enjoy the single life, Bohs, the O's, The Game, our trials and tribulations (pertaining to the men of course), and all that the night life has to offer in our great city of Baltimore.

xoxo,

The Ladies of The Clam Jam